I was at the dentist. Not because I have any problem with my teeth. Just thought I’d say hello. I didn’t want to drop in, only when I needed him. Had to keep the relationship going. While I was there I figured I might as well get my cavity filled. I didn’t have the cavity because of eating too much sugar or not brushing my teeth. It was just because the last filling had dislodged (yesterday’s word-of-the-day). Though I must admit, the last filling was on account of my munching a lot of chocolate.
So as I was saying, I was at the dentist. And after ages – for I don’t fancy them anymore – the thought of glancing through the newspapers crossed my mind. It would be nice to know what’s happening all around. So I went to the rack and realised that someone had meticulously turned every newspaper inside out. All the newspapers had been opened to where the ads were and then placed back neatly. It was amazing. I leafed through the ads one at a time, everybody had taken to the business of business nowadays. There was stuff I didn’t need, from people I knew nothing of and everything was on sale. What happy times to be in. On the 15th page, the front page of the newspaper appeared. A quick glance through the headlines and I knew we were in big trouble. Things had terribly gone wrong since last evening; I had been out having dinner with friends and had even been to an open mic where I sang for 5 minutes and the audience laughed for the rest of the show. Two of them choked on their fish bones. It was a nice way to go, you know, laughing. So things were pretty alright, last night.
But here I was now, faced with terrible news. Everything had changed. As I turned the pages, I began sweating. Between my fingers, under my feet, around my nostrils and even behind my ears. I didn’t know I had sweat glands in all those places. I made a mental note, should I survive the day, to spray deodorant on these newly discovered sweat springs. What was happening to the world? Who had triggered all this?
I suddenly got a brainwave. Things couldn’t have snowballed so quickly. How about I just check yesterday’s paper and see where all this started? That was a mistake, that I instantly regretted. Even as I began turning all the ads to reach the front page, I had the same feeling you get when you are heading to your favourite restaurant on a Monday, and suddenly you recall, that it’s usually closed on Mondays. But you don’t turn back, do you? You think let me just see, who knows? Well you get there and sure as William Tell, it’s closed. It always has been closed on Mondays, ever since it opened. Well, I reached the front page of yesterday’s paper and nothing prepared me for what I saw! It was as if the people who wrote all the headlines yesterday were a different lot, from those who wrote today’s news! Things were no better yesterday, but for entirely different reasons. Could you believe that?
Every headline frightened me more than the last. It was as if the people who wrote these headlines were practising the most fearful way to say something and in the process they ended up claiming things that never happened in the first place. So the paper was filled with the darkest fears of those writing or the headlines that simply scared us the most! But was the world like that around me? Well it didn’t feel like that during dinner, last night, or the the night before. I looked about and things were going on fine. There certainly was trouble everywhere, but I was quite sure a lot of people were just going about their lives, merry or otherwise.
It was time someone wrote a paper and said stuff the way it was, plainly and without embellishments (word-of-the-day). We’ll figure out whether we need to hide under our beds, go out and celebrate, shed a tear or simply, log in to netflix, for the rest of our lives.
But then who’d buy such a newspaper, right?